Hear You Me
by emication
Summary: Duo tells Heero about his past.


+ Title: Hear You Me  
+ Author: Vinyl Koneko (Emily), roguegirl@att.net  
+ Rating: PG-13  
+ Couplings: 1+2+1  
+ Warnings: angst & fluff all rolled into one, agnosticism  
+ Archive: Want it? Take it. Just give me credit, please.  
+ Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. If I did, I definitely would not be cashiering at Staples. I don't own these lyrics, either.  
+ Comments: //Lyrics// and *emphasis* and 'thought' and [flashback]. Song of the same title as the fic is owned by the band Jimmy Eat World, and everyone should download it because it's a really pretty song. Heero POV, despite the fact it's basically Duo talking the whole time.  
  
*~**~*  
  
"I never really used to think of L2 as my home until recently. I guess it's because I grew up there, that it made me the person that I am today, that I am able to accept it. Life wasn't easy, but there were still some good memories." Duo leaned forward on the wooden barstool, expression turning nostalgic as he leaned forward, capturing the straw between his lips and sucking down a good portion of his soda. "I mean, it could've been worse. Of the five of us, I almost think my childhood was the most normal. More kids grow up the way I did than you or Trowa or Quatre or Wufei." His expression turned became thoughtful. "You'd think the government would do something about that."  
  
I knew better than to urge him to get back on topic. Admittedly I was curious about Duo's past, and I wasn't going to ruin the opportunity for him to reveal it. I'd known Duo for three years at this point, and all I knew about him I had gotten from Doctor J along with brief bios of the other three pilots. I knew that he was a war orphan, forced to survive on the streets of L2, but beyond that, I could only guess. I know the cross around his neck isn't because he's a devout Catholic, and he doesn't keep his hair long and confined in a braid because he likes it that way.  
  
His past always seemed to elude me; I know that he named himself, but why someone who spent his childhood more or less alone would name themselves Duo is beyond me. Or what goes on in his head late at night that makes him break out into a cold sweat, crying out in agony until I pull him into my arms, whispering in his ear that he's safe and everything is all right.  
  
"I don't remember much about my parents. My mother seemed scared all the time, especially when my father would leave. She wanted me to be tough, telling me that the weak wouldn't survive long in space. I had to have been about four or five when my father was killed. Then the soldiers came to my house and destroyed everything. I hid in the closet, not making a sound and too afraid to breathe. Next thing I knew there were a bunch of scraggly-looking kids ransacking the place, looking for food and blankets...or just clothing in general. That's how I met Solo."  
  
//There's no one in town I know.  
You gave us some place to go.  
I never said thank you for that.  
I thought I might get one more chance.//  
  
I thought I saw Duo's eyes glisten in the dim lighting, but he blinked quickly and they were gone before I could be certain. He was tracing his finger along the rim of the glass. I grabbed his hand over the table, stroking behind his knuckles with my thumb, silently supporting him if he decided to continue or stop altogether.  
  
"Solo taught me everything I needed to know. Picking locks came almost naturally. I'd make my own picks out of paperclips, coat hangars, pieces of copper wire... Pretty much anything that could be found thrown away. One man's trash is another man's treasure, they say, and to us, that's how we lived. Solo and the older kids were faster, so I'd pick the locks and then run in and out, taking whatever we needed that they could find. The families that suffered the same fate as mine, their houses were the easiest to steal from. Felt less guilty about it, and most of the time we'd get a new recruit. I got good at pick pocketing, too, but the problem with that was vendors never believed a ratty orphan with cash. We'd lift anything but cash. Cigarettes and expensive watches were the best bet. We could trade those and not get the cops called on us.  
  
"Then the Alliance got this genius idea to wipe out the lower class. It was pretty much biological warfare with government permission. Anyone who couldn't afford to pay for the vaccine would die, but not all of us were that lucky. Solo got sick, and even though he didn't want me risking my neck for him, I went anyway. I broke into a hospital and managed to steal a vial of the vaccine and a hypodermic needle, but it was too late. Solo died, and he left me in charge even though there were kids in the gang at least twice my age. That was when I started to call myself Duo."  
  
//What would you think of me now,  
so lucky, so strong, so proud?  
I never said thank you for that.  
Now I'll never have a chance.//  
  
"I never got to thank him for taking me in. I doubt I'd still be alive, otherwise. Other kids got sick and died, too, but I was still alive. I couldn't understand why."  
  
"You were needed for other things," I thought I should point out, but Duo just snorted at me, indigo eyes flashing cynically.  
  
"Needed for what? To find a war? We're not that special, Heero. If the good old doctors hadn't found us, they would've found some other kids to do their dirty work. Deathscythe would've had a different partner in crime, and I'd probably still be roaming the streets of L2 finding ways to make a living; that or I would've taken my own life long before."  
  
I couldn't help but wince. I know I had my own share of suicidal moments, but hearing Duo having the same thoughts I once did seemed disturbing. He never seemed like the type of person that would end his life willingly. Was this what his nightmares were about? The life he could've lived. A life of selling drugs, if not his body, in some dark alley to be used by men and women searching for escape from their own failing marriages? Compared to that, maybe death was a better option.  
  
Duo brought his elbows up on the table, leaning so his head rested in his hands. "If it hadn't been for Solo, I wouldn't have known how to get through the security system of G's ship. I would've never become Gundam pilot 02. War is ugly as all hell, but if I hadn't become some what of a war hero known by the Vice Foreign Minister herself, I'd be no where near where I am today." He smiled, a light curve of his lips that was reflected in his eyes. "All that aside, I never would've met you."  
  
I rubbed at the scar on my arm subconsciously, recalling when Duo and I had met. He had been there to save Relena from me; there must be some sort of twisted irony in that situation. "You didn't seem to like me much."  
  
"Well you weren't the most gregarious person on the planet, Heero," Duo chuckled lightly, and it brought a smile to my face, seeing him momentarily brought out of his melancholy. "You reminded me so much of Solo right after I shot you. He'd get his mission-face, all dark and serious. It scared me the first time. Until then Solo had always been cheerful, making jokes and impersonating the people that'd pass on the street, making up stories about their lives. He taught me about masks, too, and how the harder ones to maintain are the most believable. My jester, devil-may-care attitude was such the perfect mask that it didn't even crack until I got involved with you."  
  
"I'm sorry," I responded automatically, even though I felt no remorse whatsoever. Duo had seemed so vulnerable when his mask began to slip, but now he was more comfortable with himself, and it really was heart-warming to see. I wasn't the only one that had needed to change drastically after the war.  
  
"Yeah, I know you aren't," he grinned. Then Duo stretched languidly, cracking his knuckles over his head. "It's too bad I don't believe in God," he said, turning on a more sober expression. "That way I could believe that Solo is someplace better, but I don't, so I don't know what to think."  
  
//May angels lead you in,  
hear you me my friends.  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.  
May angels lead you in.//  
  
"Things went on well enough for another year or so. AC 187 was when things began to get a little ugly. The soldiers would shoot down the orphans on the streets. It was like hunting, to them. They reasoned that if we knew better we'd stay away. My group was fortunate, though. We got caught by a group that didn't want us dead. We got placed in an orphanage, instead. Maxwell Church was a big oxymoron all in itself. It was run down and in desperate need of maintenance, but with the tall stained glass windows, the elaborate shrines, and the statues so intricate you'd think they'd move, it was beautiful at the same time."  
  
Like you, Duo. You could make friends easily but all you needed was people to trust before you could start warming up to the world again. You hated Earth for the longest time because it could create those soldiers that destroyed your childhood, but you learned quickly enough that there were people like that everywhere.  
  
"That was the first time in about two years that I had a family again. I saw the other gang members as brothers and sisters, sure, but this was the first time I had parents again. Father Maxwell was the dad I couldn't remember, and Sister Helen was the complete opposite of my mother. She let me know that she cared for me. I wish I hadn't been so rough to them. I didn't trust adults, even though I should've trusted them. They wanted me to stay in the church, maybe make a career of it, but I was too jaded. There was no way I could believe in a God that I had never seen in action. That's when I began to believe in the God of Death. I figured living meant appeasing to him, not to some other God that sat around and watched while people killed each other. I think they only didn't press the issue because they wanted me to see God for myself, but he never came.  
  
"I had been living there for a year when I battle drove wounded soldiers to look for sanctuary in the church. We took care of them, bandaging their injuries and giving them food even though we could barely afford to feed ourselves. One of the men began preaching about revenge, and Father Maxwell wouldn't hear any of it. He said they needed to find a peaceful solution with no more bloodshed. They beat him down, Sister Helen too, saying that they might be Alliance spies. I took matters into my own hands. I told them I'd get the Mobile Suit they wanted, and I did. I stole a suit from the nearest Alliance base. The soldiers were shooting at me, not caring that I was just a kid; they saw every colonist as their enemy."  
  
Duo stopped, swallowing hard. His gaze was focused somewhere far away, face an image of pain. I almost told him to stop, that I didn't need to hear anymore if it hurt too much to remember, but something in his posture was begging for this. Begging to bare his burden to the world in the hope that it would hold him down less. I tightened my grip on his hand, urging him to continue.  
  
"When I returned, the soldiers were gone, and the church was burning. Everything seemed to be smoldering from the inside, which I now know means they didn't set the church on fire but they blew it up. Shards of glass, marble, and brick were everywhere, and so were the bodies. There had been two hundred and forty-five people in the church, most of them were children and the injured soldiers. They sacrificed their own men to destroy it!" Duo's voice hitched in his throat, and he screwed his eyes shut, reliving what had gone on that day and not even trying to fight it off. "I found Sister Helen. She was still alive. She told me that Father Maxwell found for peace until they killed him, and that he had been worried about me. Her last words were wishing for me to have God's blessing, and then Death took her from me, as well." Duo scratched the back of his head, opening his eyes but still avoiding my gaze. "I wonder if she got her wish."  
  
//So what would you think of me now,  
so lucky, so strong, so proud?  
I never said thank you for that.  
Now I'll never have a chance.//  
  
"Duo..." I began, but he raised his hand, waving off anything I was about to say.  
  
"No sympathy, okay? What's done is done. I went long enough feeling sorry for myself. That's when I started thinking of myself as Death himself."  
  
"You had problems getting close to people," I pointed out, suddenly feeling as if I understood why Duo acted the way he did.  
  
"Yeah, I did. Anyone I got close to died. That's why I was so torn up after we all thought you succeeded in killing yourself when J ordered you to, and again after Hilde nearly got killed stealing that information from Libra."  
  
"You stayed with her because you felt bad?"  
  
Duo nodded sheepishly. "She got that information because of me, so I felt somewhat responsible for her getting hurt." He looked up at me, meeting my eyes for the first time since he started bringing back the past. "Same as how you felt somewhat guilty for getting Relena involved in the war."  
  
He was right about that, although how he figured it out, I don't know. I did figure that Relena wouldn't have been the target of OZ and Romefeller if she hadn't found me on the beach and proceeded to follow me everywhere I went. She would've gotten involved sooner or later, though, and it was that fact that made me realize that I didn't need to protect Relena, which made me search out Duo.  
  
//May angels lead you in,  
hear you me my friends.  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.  
May angels lead you in.//  
  
Duo stood up, shoving his seat in and pulling a wadded bill out of his pocket, slapping it on the table. "That should cover the bill and tip, right?" I barely had time to affirm his deduction when he walked out of the restaurant at a hurried gait, forcing me to walk quickly to catch up. It's not my fault Duo's legs are longer than mine. He didn't go back to the car, though. We were walking down the street, side by side, in relative silence. The cars going by making up for whatever words didn't pass between us. We ended up at a park several blocks down from the restaurant, Duo coming to a halt beside the duck pond, smiling sadly at the children tossing bread to the birds. I saw him reaching under his shirt, fingering the golden cross absent-mindedly.  
  
"It was hers," he said with no explanation. "When she died I was in tears, bawling like a baby. You wouldn't believe it was me. But afterwards, I said I killed her. I was the God of Death, after all, since I had killed all those people. I buried them the best I could, but it was too hard since I was small and didn't have enough strength to dig a grave deep enough. I took her cross, telling myself that I'd need to pawn it for money for food, but when the moment came, I couldn't part with it. It symbolized too much for me to sell it, even though I felt like a hypocrite for wearing it. It's the only link between me and the Maxwell Church Tragedy besides my name."  
  
Duo snorted. "That's what they called it, you know, the papers. The Maxwell Church Tragedy. The rebellion got suppressed by the Alliance and OZ, but other than that, nothing happened. I was the only one who cared enough to remember. As if I could ever forget," he added dryly.  
  
"At least you have the better memories to look back on," I pressed. "I look back on my childhood and all I can remember is the training. I don't even remember much from before Doctor J took me in."  
  
I felt Duo's arm encircle my waist, both of us trying to steal each other's warmth in an attempt to ward away the memories.  
  
"I wish they could see how different things are for me now."  
  
//And if you were with me tonight,  
I'd sing to you just one more time.  
A song for a heart so big  
God wouldn't let it live.//  
  
Duo smiled. If he feels the way I do, I know he still can't believe how much his life has turned around. "I live an honest life on Earth, seen by the people here and on the colonies as a hero. I have a job and a damn nice apartment that I share with my fiancé. I'd say I'm doing pretty well."  
  
I raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Only 'pretty well'?"  
  
His smile broadened, and I took the opportunity to kiss him. My life definitely turned around because of the war. Three years ago I wanted myself dead. Now I can't believe that what had gone on before wasn't a dream. That or I'm dreaming now, but if that's the case, I don't want to wake up.  
  
"Thank you for listening," Duo sighed, resting his head on my shoulder. It probably sounds trite, but he did look better, more relaxed and less like the weight of the world was resting on his shoulders.  
  
"You needed to get it off your chest, and I was curious," I admitted, smirking at the playful scowl that flitted across his features.  
  
"Why? Can't stand knowing that you don't know everything about me?"  
  
I shrugged. "Because I love you and don't think you need to be burdened by your past. Because now I feel like I understand you so much more." He moved away, grabbing my hand as we began to walk on the brick path through the park. "Because I couldn't stand watching you cry in your sleep and not knowing why."  
  
//May angels lead you in,  
hear you me my friends.  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.  
May angels lead you in.//  
  
We were walking back to the restaurant, Duo pointing at the lit up store signs and laughing about the ones with certain letters burnt out. Duo seemed to be acting like his usual self, which made me wonder if he really felt better or if he was just suppressing it again. I kept watching, waiting for any sign of if he was feeling upset because of the sudden recollection of his past, but there was nothing wrong that I could see. He jumped up on the trunk of our car, but then he laid down across the roof to the best of his ability, patting a spot beside him, silently asking me to join him. I wasn't going to at first, not seeing the purpose beside this seemingly childish impulse, but I joined him anyway, trying not to wince as I saw the surface caving under our weight.  
  
"Some of those stars are the colonies," he said. "It's strange how far away they seem from here. You can almost forget that they're not there." I reached out, wrapping his braid around my hand and holding it almost possessively. "I want to go back someday, but I'm afraid that when I do, nothing will have changed, and I don't want that. If the colonies aren't better, I'll feel like we fought for nothing."  
  
"We fought because someone needed to. The war showed the people how unnecessary it is, so they won't want to fight any longer. The rest of the work is still left to be done, but that's out of our hands."  
  
Duo tipped his head, pressing his cheek against the roof to look over at me. "Father Maxwell told me that wars aren't started by God, but by people, so the people must end it for themselves. I'd imagine it's the same for the people of the colonies. If they want to heal, they must do it themselves." He grinned. "See, I just can't believe in an all-mighty God that's just so damn lazy! At least the God of Death has something to show for his work!"  
  
I couldn't help but laugh at that. He was right in some respects, despite how cynical he sounded. I don't know what I believe. Maybe Fate is a completely different and stronger entity than God.  
  
Duo looked back up at the stars. He seemed deep in thought and unwilling to voice whatever he was thinking about out loud. I think I'll remember the expression on his face for the rest of my life. Blue-violet eyes staring off at something far away, reflecting the light of the stars, his mouth in a slight pout. His eyes didn't look sad, though, like they did when he normally was thinking about something. They just looked accepting and maybe even a little hopeful.  
  
//May angels lead you in,  
hear you me my friends.  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.  
May angels lead you in.//  
  
The silence was comfortable, bringing me to mentally go over the past three years of my life. I wouldn't change any of it, I decided, no matter how much I hated my life from before. I understand that to J I was no more than a tool, a weapon for war, but he's dead now and I'm not. Duo is alive and I need to be here for him. He managed to find the strength to come to terms with his past, so I should be able to do the same with mine, no matter how different our previous lives had been. The past is just that. I don't need to cling to it. I'm not even sure why I've kept holding onto it for this long.  
  
"We can go home now if you want," Duo softly broke the silence, almost as if he were afraid that the moment would shatter. I nodded in agreement. We slid off the roof, Duo waiting patiently as I pulled the keys out of my coat pocket, unlocking the vehicle. He turned on the car, in time to catch the last few lines of a song playing on the radio.  
  
Duo leaned over, turning my face towards his as he captured my mouth in a kiss, his lips soft and pliable on mine. He was so passionate that I almost forgot to start breathing again after he pulled away. "Love you."  
  
"I know," I replied, still feeling too overwhelmed to form a more complex sentence. He knew I did, too. Otherwise he never would've told me his deepest, darkest secrets. Maybe if he wants to know, I'll let him know some more of mine, but until then, we have plenty to do in the present to make up for whatever we missed out on due to our pasts.  
  
I hold the young man I love so much higher than a bunch of ghosts that refuse to die, anyway. It's a good thing that actions speak louder than words, because there isn't a degree of love in the English language strong enough to express what I feel for Duo.  
  
"Let's go home," I say, and Duo nods in agreement. It's reassuring for me to know that home to the both of us is the same, as long as the other is there, as well.  
  
//On sleepless roads the sleepless go.  
May angels lead you in.//  
  
*~**~*  
  
Owari 


End file.
